Month: May 2019

Hawk and Dove: A Modern Love Story

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on October 17, 2017

Hawk And Dove: A Modern Military Love Story

Once upon a time there lived a Hawk and a Dove who lived lives of fulfillment on different parts of the East Coast. The Hawk grew up in a family where his grandfather joined the Army and his father served as a Huey mechanic. Even though the dad didn’t talk much about his service, it was a known fact that he had been at war and had served his country honorably.

The Dove lived in a home where peace was king. Her father was born in Italy during World War II. He ducked into ravines as bullets flew overhead. As an adult, he couldn’t enlist due to medical reasons. Her mother was against violence in any way, shape or form so she grew up with no military influence at all. In fact, the closest she got was a grandfather who was in the Knights of Columbus.

The Hawk joined the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) when he was a teenager because he wanted to increase his chances of being accepted into a military academy. His first choice was, of course, the Air Force Academy since he wanted to fly.

That choice was solidified the summer before Hawk’s senior year.  He attended the Air Force Academy’s Summer Seminar where rising seniors are introduced to life at the academy through academics as well as basic training.

The Dove’s teenage years were full of activities that made her happy. She even called herself a reincarnated hippie child. She liked the idea of it but without the drugs.

The Dove considered a military academy for a brief moment.  When the realization set in that she would have to serve in the military, that idea was quickly discarded.

Instead, cheer camp and work filled her summers; she knew that college wasn’t going to be cheap. She also tried to strengthen her college application by doing volunteer work.

The Hawk went on to attend USAFA. The Dove attended a liberal university.

The Hawk learned about military history and watched as Desert Storm began. The Dove went to peace marches and demonstrated against destroying the earth.

As fate would have it, the two met and eventually started a long-distance relationship.

In general, they avoided conversations about politics and the military but somewhere along the line with all those late-night phone calls, their relationship grew. The distance seemed too great but neither wanted it to end.

Eventually, after many promises, he put a ring on her finger.  The Dove moved to Colorado to be close to her Hawk.

How could these 2 worlds work in close proximity? If they both attended a military academy, we’d say they had a Service Academy Exchange. That’s not exactly what happened but there was some crossing of knowledge.

The Dove went to her Hawk’s school to visit.  There she learned more about him and what his goal was. She met other hawks and attended events at the school and fell in love with the military protocol and functions. She realized that everyone has a story and some have found their passion early on.

The Hawk visited the Dove’s campus and reveled in the freedom given to the students. At her work-study in the psychology department, he met people whose focus was on building relationships and self-esteem, not tearing things down. One study had to do with conflict resolution and teaching children how to do that effectively with words. Words are as powerful as actions.

Little by little each took those lessons to heart.

Love conquers all, as they say in fairy tales.  The Hawk and Dove were married and grew to be better people.

The Hawk became less hawkish and more tolerant. The Dove learned to value military service and its traditions. She even enjoyed a violent video game every once in a while.

When they had small children, there was no spanking thanks to the Dove and she cried at the war movies the Hawk just had to watch.

Hawk And Dove: A Modern Military Love Story

Remember, you can live with differences. The key to it all is communicationand respect.

You don’t need to give up what is intrinsically you or your beliefs but tolerance is a lesson we all can learn.

I have come to respect the military and what they offer even though I will never be gung ho.  And my spouse has learned to listen and respect my liberal ways.

Andy Grammer has a new song out and the opening line is, “My mother was a sunshine soldier.” My daughter says that it reminds her of me. I’d say it’s true and it’s as close as I’ll get to serving and being in uniform.

Oh The Stories They Will Tell

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on July, 7, 2017

My husband and I were married right out of college. He is still active duty but there are times when I feel like I’m hitched to a retiree in his late 70s and not a man in his mid-40s. Plenty of military spouses are in the same situation. It’s not their physical attributes that have changed and it’s not that they have diminished mental capacity but there is a syndrome that occurs. Read on and find out what fate awaits you too.

I noticed the onset when we were first married. As soon as my husband would be in a room with another service member, shoptalk would commence. You couldn’t get away from it.

My friends and I would wonder how they could spend all day together in training and still rehash it later that week.

I questioned it but I understood.

As a college student, your world was the classroom.

As a new mom, my life revolved around my newbornand not much else. My domain was small and my conversation centered on my infant.

For them, it was also a way to decompress and bond with their fellow students.

As they progressed from training to a combat squadron, the shoptalk continued but with an added bonus – a story.

As I quickly learned, it only had to be 10% true and should start with “there I was….”

Initially this was an exciting time for me. I would learn more about what life was like during TDYs and deployments. Since my husband was gone over 200 days a year, it made sense that there were anecdotes. I heard about people and places that may not have come up during normal conversation. I enjoyed hearing how life was in other locations. I laughed at the antics of my husband and his cohorts. Each new deployment brought new adventures and that in turn meant new sagas.

Oh The Stories Service Members Tell

Then we had to change duty stations. Cue new people to meet and new stories to be told. This pattern continued for a few more assignments until we were reunited with people from past locations.

Again, stories were exchanged and laughs were had by all. It didn’t take long, though, before the old stories came out.

The first time it happened, I thought nothing of it. You can’t remember who was at the last party or function so you’re not sure who has heard the tale. But as the year progressed and the stories were repeated, I began to feel like I was in the Twilight Zone.

I kept this reaction to myself since we were at a location that rewarded competition but I also secretly noted that my spouse wasn’t the only one with a hat in the game.

Another assignment cycle found us at school. Again, the anecdotes were told and friends shared their own accounts of life in the military.

I understood that there were new audiences for these narratives so even though I could tell these stories in my sleep, I recognized the desire to share.

But now I wondered if the movie “Groundhog Day” was part of my life too. It looked as if I was destined to relive our life over and over again.

A few more years and we were back with people from his career field. I assumed that the pattern would continue for a while but then taper off. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Get service members together and you can’t keep them quiet. The yarns get bigger in proportion to the number of times it has been spoken and the participants who are listening now. It’s a mathematical formula that should be in the textbooks!

At this point, I found the courage to ask other military spouses if they too have heard their spouse’s stories ad nauseum. A resounding “YES!” was the answer. “Thank goodness I’m not alone” is the only reaction I have.

We then started our own discourse on our lives and the all-encompassing nature of the military lifestyle. As civilians, it seems easier to separate your work and your social life. In the military, that separation tends to be much smaller.

The military IS your life. You eat, sleep, drink and breathe your service. It really is an all-or-nothing proposition.

Now that many of our friends are retiring from active duty, the stories are continuing. Often they no longer start with “there I was” but they are prefaced with “do you remember?” I’m not sure if the switch came about because of their age or because they decided to change things up a bit.

But either way, I’ve come to accept that my social life is going to be made up with the same fish tales that I’ve heard before. As a good spouse, I will smile and laugh when appropriate.

But I’ve also learned that my husband has earned the right to repeat himself. It’s not just reliving the glory days, it’s reminiscing and remembering a life well lived.