humor

Confession: My Fifty Shades Fantasy

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on March 5, 2018

I have a fantasy that I’m afraid to act out on but I know there are others like me who dream about it too.

The “Fifty Shades of Grey” books have nothing on our longing. My fantasy doesn’t even take advanced planning. The benefits highly outweigh the costs involved. Just like Ana in those “Fifty Shades” books, the yearning is so strong that there are days when I can think of nothing else.

It is an all-consuming fire that makes going about my day a challenge.

What’s holding me back? Maybe fear of ridicule? Fear of gossip? Fear of being labeled a bad mother?

Or maybe it’s just being brave enough to go through with my fantasy.

My dream started soon after my wedding. We were marriedin our early 20s, children quickly followed, and we were far away from family. Those factors combined to feed my pipe dream. I call it a pipe dream because I don’t know that it will ever come true.

My husband doesn’t understand it. He can’t comprehend why I would want to act on it and I don’t know why he can’t see why going through with it is so important to my mental health.

Doesn’t he want to make me happy? “Happy wife, happy life” after all. We have had countless arguments and discussions over my wish. And still after many years; I’m unfulfilled in my need.

My craving usually takes root about a month into a deployment or TDY.

It’s a combination of lonelinessand stress that triggers it. And even though I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it. The kids are demanding, my work from home jobis monotonous and I’m just plain tired.

I am pulled in too many directions at once and I can’t see straight. That’s when I turn inward and that longing takes a hold.

This is a humorous look at one military spouse's fantasy. Do you have a similar fantasy? Have you ever acted on this desire?

(Warning! The next few paragraphs are graphic.)

My fantasy goes like this.

I hop in the car and drive away, leaving my husband and kids back at the house. I don’t even bother looking in the rear view mirror because if I do, I might not go through with it. Then I drive to the hotel where I made my reservation and check in. Maybe I’d let the valet park my car but that might be taking it too far. The front desk people don’t even flinch when I tell them that I don’t need help with my luggage. I’ve brought so little, you see. “Have an enjoyable stay,” they offer. Don’t worry. I intend to. As I take the elevator up to my room, I’m giddy with anticipation.

When I open the door, I sigh with relief. I really did it.

My fantasy is finally coming true!!!

I am alone. It’s amazing that something so simple can be so satisfying.

There is no one calling “Mommy!” There is no one requiring me to cook a meal. Deadlines are in the past. There is only me with my thoughts and/or a good book.

Maybe I’ll sleep in.

Maybe I’ll sit by the pool.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll watch a television show.

My spouse doesn’t get it. I would talk about how he was free of the kids while on TDY. While I understood that he missed his children and wanted to be with them, he didn’t understand my desire to be unburdened. I knew he was still working but there is a freedom there. I wanted freedom and I wanted it badly. Working from home gives you no respite from the constant demands of motherhood. I yearned for a break and a single night out utilizing a babysitter wasn’t going to cut it. There needed to be an extended hiatus for it to count as checking off that box.

My spouse would counter my argument with his own –

“You take the kids to our parents’ houses. Doesn’t that count as a break?”

It may seem like it to him but as we all know, when you do that, you still have to be “on.” Even though it’s family, there is not always an easy way to relax.

Not only that but I have to actually get to my parent’s house. That means a plane ride, which incorporates into a car ride TO the airport and then corralling the kids while waiting to board the plane. That in turn translates into keeping the kids occupied on the plane and then finally arriving at our destination.

Then, and only then, can I “send the kids to grandma.”

It’s not that I didn’t love my children. I did and I do. There is just a need to forget it all sometimes.

That’s what a fantasy is after all-an escape from reality. And sometimes we just need to fantasize to get though our daily lives.

Who else feels like I do?

Confession: I Hate Running

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on August 9, 2017

I hate running.

Let me say that again.

I hate running.

I know it’s a sin in some circles. And I’m not talking about a little venial sin. You know, the sins that don’t damn your soul. The ones where you go to confession and are absolved from it. No. I’m talking about the big daddy of them all; a cardinal sin. Some people I know would even include it in the 7 deadly sins. Runners take it that seriously.

I’ve heard it all:

“Running is great exercise.”

“The runner’s high is fabulous.”

“Everyone’s doing it.”

I know they are trying to be helpful but it makes me hate it all the more. Our service men and women have to run for PT. I get that. That’s forced on you whether you like it or not. And then there’s the Army or the Marine Corps marathons.  It’s woven into the fabric of their souls.

But to choose to run?  That’s where I draw the line.

Each year more and more of my military spouse friends are jumping on the running bandwagon. They start running groups on base. They post their training runs on Facebook. They Instagram themselves at the finish line of each race.

I even have a girlfriend who got lost during her first marathon. She ran farther than she had to because of it. That would’ve put me off forever.

There is that culture of running in the military so it makes sense that military spouses would feel the same way.

So every time there was a 5K on base or in town, and there’s always a race, spouses would start chattering about forming a team or signing up individually. For years I put them off. First off, I’m not an early bird. The only reason I woke up early was for my kids. And then let me tell you, I’m not a happy camper. And secondly (and most importantly), I hate running. I happily volunteered, but running? Nope.

Confession: I Hate Running

A few years ago, my daughter was getting ready to enter the Air Force Academy. As part of her prep work, she ran. She wanted me to join her but I used my usual tactics and put her off. Besides, I had functions to attend and I already walked the dog every morning. She reminded me that I walked the dog on a 5K loop but I wasn’t convinced.

Later that year, there was a 60th anniversary celebration for the Airborne Warning and Control System. Our wing was hosting various events and one of them happened to include a 5K color fun run. My daughter pestered me so much that I signed up with her. But the caveat was that I was going to WALK it while she ran.

Fast-forward to the day of the event. All morning long my daughter was reminding me that I already did a 5K daily. My comeback was always that I walked it and didn’t run it. I hated running. We lined up at the start and when the gun went off, so did we. My daughter encouraged me to run and I did.

I’ll be the first to admit that the peer pressure got to me.

I ran the whole thing.

And I did it without stopping.

Confession: I Hate Running

But hold the applause because I didn’t become a convert. There was no runner’s high and there was no sense of accomplishment. There was only annoyance that I was suckered into running.

Now, before you start scoffing at me, I’ve tried running at various points in my life.

When I was in high school, I joined the track team because I liked a boy. I was also overweight and I hoped that running would slim me down. I didn’t drop the weight and I eventually broke up with the boy.

In my 20s, I tried again. I got bored and annoyed so I stopped.

In my 30s, we adopted 2 pit bull mixes. I found that walking them twice a day wasn’t enough so I started running. I liked going in the woods but I didn’t like the running part.

Now, I run because I have tonot because I want to. Don’t misconstrue that statement. It’s not a “I run because my body craves it.” As I said before, I’ve never felt that runner’s high. All I feel is the pounding of my feet on the pavement and the lack of oxygen into my lungs.

Actually, I will use any excuse to not run.

I had a chemical peel? Can’t overheat.

I broke my toe? Oops. Stay away from running.

I run because I have dogs that need the exercise and walking isn’t enough for them. Even then, I find myself telling everyone that I’m “interval training.” What that meant to me was that I ran until I didn’t want to and then I walked.

Last year my brother told me that interval training was ideal for your heart. Seven minutes of running followed by 7 minutes of walking. So that is what I do now. And again, it’s not because I enjoy it. It’s because I have to do it for my dogs.

So don’t judge me.

I’ll never be that girl who runs for fun. I won’t even be a person who runs for the health benefits. I’ll be the cheerleader for the runners. Or I’ll volunteer to hand out water. And that’s how I’ll connect with my tribe.