Air Force spouse

Confession: My Fifty Shades Fantasy

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on March 5, 2018

I have a fantasy that I’m afraid to act out on but I know there are others like me who dream about it too.

The “Fifty Shades of Grey” books have nothing on our longing. My fantasy doesn’t even take advanced planning. The benefits highly outweigh the costs involved. Just like Ana in those “Fifty Shades” books, the yearning is so strong that there are days when I can think of nothing else.

It is an all-consuming fire that makes going about my day a challenge.

What’s holding me back? Maybe fear of ridicule? Fear of gossip? Fear of being labeled a bad mother?

Or maybe it’s just being brave enough to go through with my fantasy.

My dream started soon after my wedding. We were marriedin our early 20s, children quickly followed, and we were far away from family. Those factors combined to feed my pipe dream. I call it a pipe dream because I don’t know that it will ever come true.

My husband doesn’t understand it. He can’t comprehend why I would want to act on it and I don’t know why he can’t see why going through with it is so important to my mental health.

Doesn’t he want to make me happy? “Happy wife, happy life” after all. We have had countless arguments and discussions over my wish. And still after many years; I’m unfulfilled in my need.

My craving usually takes root about a month into a deployment or TDY.

It’s a combination of lonelinessand stress that triggers it. And even though I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it. The kids are demanding, my work from home jobis monotonous and I’m just plain tired.

I am pulled in too many directions at once and I can’t see straight. That’s when I turn inward and that longing takes a hold.

This is a humorous look at one military spouse's fantasy. Do you have a similar fantasy? Have you ever acted on this desire?

(Warning! The next few paragraphs are graphic.)

My fantasy goes like this.

I hop in the car and drive away, leaving my husband and kids back at the house. I don’t even bother looking in the rear view mirror because if I do, I might not go through with it. Then I drive to the hotel where I made my reservation and check in. Maybe I’d let the valet park my car but that might be taking it too far. The front desk people don’t even flinch when I tell them that I don’t need help with my luggage. I’ve brought so little, you see. “Have an enjoyable stay,” they offer. Don’t worry. I intend to. As I take the elevator up to my room, I’m giddy with anticipation.

When I open the door, I sigh with relief. I really did it.

My fantasy is finally coming true!!!

I am alone. It’s amazing that something so simple can be so satisfying.

There is no one calling “Mommy!” There is no one requiring me to cook a meal. Deadlines are in the past. There is only me with my thoughts and/or a good book.

Maybe I’ll sleep in.

Maybe I’ll sit by the pool.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll watch a television show.

My spouse doesn’t get it. I would talk about how he was free of the kids while on TDY. While I understood that he missed his children and wanted to be with them, he didn’t understand my desire to be unburdened. I knew he was still working but there is a freedom there. I wanted freedom and I wanted it badly. Working from home gives you no respite from the constant demands of motherhood. I yearned for a break and a single night out utilizing a babysitter wasn’t going to cut it. There needed to be an extended hiatus for it to count as checking off that box.

My spouse would counter my argument with his own –

“You take the kids to our parents’ houses. Doesn’t that count as a break?”

It may seem like it to him but as we all know, when you do that, you still have to be “on.” Even though it’s family, there is not always an easy way to relax.

Not only that but I have to actually get to my parent’s house. That means a plane ride, which incorporates into a car ride TO the airport and then corralling the kids while waiting to board the plane. That in turn translates into keeping the kids occupied on the plane and then finally arriving at our destination.

Then, and only then, can I “send the kids to grandma.”

It’s not that I didn’t love my children. I did and I do. There is just a need to forget it all sometimes.

That’s what a fantasy is after all-an escape from reality. And sometimes we just need to fantasize to get though our daily lives.

Who else feels like I do?

Why I Said Yes to a Family Pet

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on November 23, 2017

Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

“I want another dog,” I told my husband. My dog had died and I was feeling the desire to have another companion.

I got Coquina after I graduated high school and she died just before her 16thbirthday. When my husband left a month before me to start training in Florida, Cokey and I drove from Nebraska to Tyndall AFB. I sang to her and talked to her to keep me occupied during the long drive. I was especially grateful to have her to talk to during a flash thunderstorm in Florida.

But still I was late to get her to the airport so she could stay with my mom during the few months we’d be there. As newlyweds we couldn’t afford to book another flight so I drove like a madwoman on the slippery roads to meet the deadline. Stress would have to wait.

She was there to greet our oldest when we brought him home from the hospital. And when our daughter arrived, she knew the drill. She moved with us each time and took the trek like a champ, even though she hated car rides.

Even at the end of her life, she still barked at my husband when he kissed me.

She was MY dog but she had been a part of my children’s lives for 10 years.

Now I wanted another pet. In the interim, my kids had worked to earn themselves gerbils. They too wanted a pet but initially I wasn’t ready for another dog. My son really wanted a snake but since I would be the one home with it and I’m petrified of snakes, I put the kibosh on THAT idea.

When we moved again, there were no pets allowed in the rental house. Just like a child, when you can’t have something, that’s when you really want it. After a few months in the house, I wanted another dog. And as much as I wanted a dog for me, I wanted a dog for our family.

[Tweet “As much as I wanted a dog for me, I wanted a dog for our family.”]

Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

Having a pet is a constant in a military child’s life. No matter where we moved to, the kids would have their mom and their pet. It doesn’t matter if it’s a dog, a cat, a hamster or a lizard. What matters is that the child has something to either call his own or has a stake in. Years ago, that’s what I thought.

And it turns out I was right.

A study in 2009 showed that children with pets were less worried about a movethan those without. A pet provides children with “comfort, support, and stability.”

I like to think that it really has to do with giving them animmediate friend wherever they are. That friend doesn’t talk back and understands what they are going through. It also gives them a job to do during the chaos we call “unpacking.”

There have also been studies that show that pets help military children with stressand give them a coping mechanismtoo.

We know that petting a dog or horse has a calming effect on people but there are benefits to owning any animal. Not only is their pet a constant in their lives, but that animal also listens to them as they work out problems in their lives.

[Tweet “Our pets are part of our military family and they provide comfort to our military kids.”]

Having an animal gives the child a topic of conversation when meeting new classmates. That to me is another positive to animal ownership.

We bought a dog even before we knew about these studies. We actually got two; one per child. We adopted them in the summer after we moved so the kids had time to walk them every day. They explored their new neighborhood and met the peoplewho lived there.

It also gave them a chance to bond with each other. They were 10 and 12 at this point so they weren’t spending time together like they used to. Now they had a common gripe – chores associated with an animal.

Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

For the record, there are reasons to not get a family pet. For some, the costis an issue. Dogs and cats are notorious for their vet bills. On-base vet clinics alleviate some of that cost but it still has an impact on your pocketbook.

For others, there are allergies to contend with. We know there are ways around that roadblock but that depends on how badly you want that animal. Just remember that dogs aren’t the only animals out there.

We found that having a dog was perfect for our military family.

The benefits far outweighed the negatives. Even though we moaned and groaned each time we had to stop during our cross-country move because the dog was going to be sick or the kids hated sharing a back seat with said dog, we were happy once we reached our destination.

And even when I complained that the flea and tick medicine was insanely expensive, I wouldn’t have done anything differently.

Our pets are part of our military family and that’s all that matters.