confessional

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on January 29, 2018

I have a secret.

It’s not Lifetime Movie of the Week caliber. It’s not even a “break apart your marriage and family” type of skeleton in the closet.

But it is my secret.

It’s more like the thing you reveal at cocktail parties when someone poses the question: “What is a fact no one knows about you?”

I’m an introvert.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I’m not a traditional introvert; I don’t need alone time. In fact, I tend to get antsy if I stay home all day by myself.

I don’t need down time to recharge my batteries either.

What I really don’t like is social functions and socializing; I have a form ofsocial anxiety. You know, “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.”

Are you surprised?  I appear to be a woman who loves to party and socialize. But I don’t. At least not until I’m comfortable in a situation. I think there are more of us out there than people know.

According to one study from Dr. Bella DePaulo mentioned in the book “How to Work a Room a Guide to Successfully Managing the Mingling,” 75% of people have social anxiety when they are at a party with strangers. That means that 3 out of 4 of us don’t like the most common situations in the military-forced fun.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

Growing up I was the biggest extrovert you would know. I was a talker and I danced everywhere it was possible; in the dance studio as well as in the halls at school. I didn’t sit still. Strike that. I COULDN’T sit still. I had a desire to be moving and to be the center of everyone’s world.

When I had children all that changed. I didn’t want to be the center of attention or the life of the party. I wanted to stay home and be with my family. I also found that I preferred to listen rather than speak. Those two qualities combined to change my temperament and my desire to socialize.

This turned out to be bad timing. As I began to feel more and more at ease with my cocoon, my kids got older and I was running out of alibis to not go to social functions with my service member. I excused myself from First Fridays. I even canceled my invite to spouse functions.

When my husband was selected to command a squadron, I bowed out from Airman Leadership School graduations and I passed on chief induction ceremonies. I used the kids as an excuse. They always needed me for something – whether it was a school activity, band competition or sport. One parent had to be there, right? That was why I was a stay at home parent who worked part-time. I believed that my children should have one constant in their lives. The military couldn’t offer us that stability so I provided it.

A few years later, my spouse was given a group. A group! What a great day and affirmation of his abilities! But what a sad day for me. We aren’t required to do anything but the pressure is still there. I didn’t succumb to peer pressure instead I decided to take part in this facet of his life.

My first event as a second-time C.O.W. (Commanding Officer’s Wife)was a Patch On event. This is when the students who have gone through training are assigned to their new operations squadrons. My first touch of anxiety came when they said I had a seat in the front of the auditorium and would be introduced. What?? This was not what I expected.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I got through that day with the help of the other squadron commanders who made me feel at home. That experience gave me the confidence to continue. It also helped that now I knew a few people.

A squadron picnic came next. Talk about anxiety inducing. I was hoping that my spouse would be there with me so that I could tag along with him.

He’s my security blanket, after all. But of course, he ran late and so I went solo.

I found one person I knew and talked with them but that can only last so long. I found my way to the buffet line and stayed quiet. Slowly people came up to me and started conversations. It’s still not easy when you have little to say. After I ate, I left defeated and tired.

[Tweet “3 out of 4 of military spouses don’t like military-forced fun.”]

Each new activity started the same way: find someone to latch onto and hope more people you know arriveso you can talk to them and not feel foolish.

I hated meeting new people. As soon as the introduction was over, I would forget their names and faces. It was embarrassing when I would say, “Nice to meet you” to someone I’d already been introduced to. My social anxiety didn’t lessen.

Eventually these functions that I forced myself to attend got easier. The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them. I became my outgoing self.

I learned to say, “How are you?” instead of “Nice to meet you.” And then I played off the fact that I meet so many people, it takes a few times before I remember. Everyone understood and I think they appreciated my candor. I can say that after two years “in the job,” I felt more at ease but not completely comfortable.

[Tweet “The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them”]

New anxiety begins at every new base but I need to look back on my time at the group level and remind myself that I can do it! Practice is supposed to make perfect but I’m striving for contentment; contentment with my mental well-being and myself.

Confession: I Hate Running

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on August 9, 2017

I hate running.

Let me say that again.

I hate running.

I know it’s a sin in some circles. And I’m not talking about a little venial sin. You know, the sins that don’t damn your soul. The ones where you go to confession and are absolved from it. No. I’m talking about the big daddy of them all; a cardinal sin. Some people I know would even include it in the 7 deadly sins. Runners take it that seriously.

I’ve heard it all:

“Running is great exercise.”

“The runner’s high is fabulous.”

“Everyone’s doing it.”

I know they are trying to be helpful but it makes me hate it all the more. Our service men and women have to run for PT. I get that. That’s forced on you whether you like it or not. And then there’s the Army or the Marine Corps marathons.  It’s woven into the fabric of their souls.

But to choose to run?  That’s where I draw the line.

Each year more and more of my military spouse friends are jumping on the running bandwagon. They start running groups on base. They post their training runs on Facebook. They Instagram themselves at the finish line of each race.

I even have a girlfriend who got lost during her first marathon. She ran farther than she had to because of it. That would’ve put me off forever.

There is that culture of running in the military so it makes sense that military spouses would feel the same way.

So every time there was a 5K on base or in town, and there’s always a race, spouses would start chattering about forming a team or signing up individually. For years I put them off. First off, I’m not an early bird. The only reason I woke up early was for my kids. And then let me tell you, I’m not a happy camper. And secondly (and most importantly), I hate running. I happily volunteered, but running? Nope.

Confession: I Hate Running

A few years ago, my daughter was getting ready to enter the Air Force Academy. As part of her prep work, she ran. She wanted me to join her but I used my usual tactics and put her off. Besides, I had functions to attend and I already walked the dog every morning. She reminded me that I walked the dog on a 5K loop but I wasn’t convinced.

Later that year, there was a 60th anniversary celebration for the Airborne Warning and Control System. Our wing was hosting various events and one of them happened to include a 5K color fun run. My daughter pestered me so much that I signed up with her. But the caveat was that I was going to WALK it while she ran.

Fast-forward to the day of the event. All morning long my daughter was reminding me that I already did a 5K daily. My comeback was always that I walked it and didn’t run it. I hated running. We lined up at the start and when the gun went off, so did we. My daughter encouraged me to run and I did.

I’ll be the first to admit that the peer pressure got to me.

I ran the whole thing.

And I did it without stopping.

Confession: I Hate Running

But hold the applause because I didn’t become a convert. There was no runner’s high and there was no sense of accomplishment. There was only annoyance that I was suckered into running.

Now, before you start scoffing at me, I’ve tried running at various points in my life.

When I was in high school, I joined the track team because I liked a boy. I was also overweight and I hoped that running would slim me down. I didn’t drop the weight and I eventually broke up with the boy.

In my 20s, I tried again. I got bored and annoyed so I stopped.

In my 30s, we adopted 2 pit bull mixes. I found that walking them twice a day wasn’t enough so I started running. I liked going in the woods but I didn’t like the running part.

Now, I run because I have tonot because I want to. Don’t misconstrue that statement. It’s not a “I run because my body craves it.” As I said before, I’ve never felt that runner’s high. All I feel is the pounding of my feet on the pavement and the lack of oxygen into my lungs.

Actually, I will use any excuse to not run.

I had a chemical peel? Can’t overheat.

I broke my toe? Oops. Stay away from running.

I run because I have dogs that need the exercise and walking isn’t enough for them. Even then, I find myself telling everyone that I’m “interval training.” What that meant to me was that I ran until I didn’t want to and then I walked.

Last year my brother told me that interval training was ideal for your heart. Seven minutes of running followed by 7 minutes of walking. So that is what I do now. And again, it’s not because I enjoy it. It’s because I have to do it for my dogs.

So don’t judge me.

I’ll never be that girl who runs for fun. I won’t even be a person who runs for the health benefits. I’ll be the cheerleader for the runners. Or I’ll volunteer to hand out water. And that’s how I’ll connect with my tribe.