Month: April 2019

You Aren’t Required to Do Anything

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Originally published on March 18, 2016 by NextGenMilSpouse. The website is defunct so I’m reposting those articles.

I was a cheerleader with purple spiked hair. I was an outgoing, loudmouth teenager.

Karen Cheerleader

I am a teacher who jumps on desks. I’m not what you call conventional so when my husband proposed more than 25 years ago, I wasn’t keen on joining the militaryand all its traditions.

This idea was confirmed when I went to the library to research being a military wife. The only book they had available was a 1960s edition of “What Every Army Wife Should Know.” It spoke of tea parties with white hats and gloves. It taught you when to use candles at a party and when to use overhead lights. It reminded you to never leave the house without proper dress and makeup.

Show an interest in your husband’s job and duties and attend any activities of his unit…By your pleasant attitude and neatness of appearance, whether attending a party or shopping on the post, you will be an asset to your husband…”

– page 24, “What Every Army Wife Should Know”

In my logical mind, I recognized that times had changed but I knew that I couldn’t conform to those guidelines.

After all, how many lawyers’ spouses bake goodies for the office fundraiser? And do you know many mechanics’ spouses who attend meet-and-greet sessions?

I told my husband-to-be that the military was his domain and civilian life was mine.

He told me,

“You aren’t required to do ANYTHING. Do what you want.”

My hands-off philosophy worked fine when I was without children and working. It continued strong when my children were small and I was a stay-at-home mom. Kids are great icebreakers so it was easy to meet other women. I could steer my kids’ friendships so I could be around people I liked. I had no trouble dealing with deploymentssince I had a network of friends around me.

As time passed and my kids grew, I found myself alone more and more often. I was becoming more of a chauffeur and less of an attendant in my kids’ activities.

Every time we PCS’d, my husband would already know people from previous assignments while I floundered. I envied those military spouses who reconnected with old friendswhen they arrived at a new base. But still, it took an additional 5 years before I realized that I was missing out on an important aspect of military life – community.

Military Spouses Are Not Required to Do Anything, Do What You Want

I tried to start out slowly. I sent in food for a fundraiser. I shopped at the commissary more than once a month. I tried to feel more comfortable on base.

Then suddenly my husband was up for a leadership position and I was supposed to be a mentor for younger spouses! Talk about making up for lost time!

I went to the commander’s course along with my spouse and tried to learn. Of course, as with all things military, I could only attend the first 2 days since I needed to return home to coordinate our PCS. I felt more lost than ever.

I repeatedly told my hubby that I wasn’t up for this “job” and he in turn, continued to repeat his mantra:

“You aren’t required to do ANYTHING. Do what you want.”

That first meeting with the outgoing commander’s spouse was daunting. She was a volunteer extraordinaire. She had monthly get-togethers with high turnout. She had a sunshine committee with food trains. She stopped in at hubby’s office once a week to say “hi.”

I went home and cried because I knew that I couldn’t be all that she was. When hubby came home that night he told me once again:

“You aren’t required to do ANYTHING. Do what you want.”

So I found a way to be me. I accepted that whatever I did was appreciated and no one demanded I do more. I arranged socials at places I wanted to go. We had a jewelry making class. We went to a tea shop where we learned about different types of teas. We went rock-climbing. I stopped in at the office to say hello, to talk to people and to possibly have lunch with my hubby.

But not everything was sunshine and roses. Attendance wasn’t high at many of the activities but the women I met were adventurous just like me.

Two months into that tour, I received a phone call about a problem a spouse was having with her airman. I initially panicked and then remembered that I had my own military member who could give me advice.

I worried that I wasn’t good at being a military spouse but then I realized that I’d already been one for years.

My husband’s mantra was accurate but I eventually found that I wantedto be a part of the military. I no longer required or desired to dismiss all things associated with the military.

I also learned to love and accept who I am. Once I did that, I was able to find peace with my military family and find friendship from those within that community.

Sometimes I wish I had embraced military life sooner but we are a welcoming and resilient group.

I still jump on desks and color my hair. There’s constantly a song in my head and I always say hello to everyone. The only change I notice is that I’ve added the Air Force song to my repertoire and I might be shaking hands with new Airmen and their families at a Pin On. No matter what, I still march to my own drummer.

And no one seems to mind; there’s always one in every family.

What I Learned At Alice’s Circular Summit (2018)

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on March 5, 2018

The two-day Circular Summit is the brainchild of Alice’sfounder, Carolyn Rodz, and its president, Elizabeth Gore. These two women have created a circle where female entrepreneurs can pitch, scale and learn about their businesses.

Circular Summit is non-stop workshops, panels and speakers. The quality of people there to help you on your entrepreneurial journey is incredible. The panelists were from every facet of business including one comprised of local women. There were politicians on hand to listen to obstacles that your company faced. Alice also invited venture capitalists and angel investors to connect with female entrepreneurs. And with a cap of 300 attendees, there was plenty of opportunities to network and ask questions.

But don’t take my word for it. Read about what I learned at Circular Summit and find out why you should take advantage of this opportunity when it comes to a location near you!

Talking Money At Circular Summit

Arlen Hamiltonstrives to provide venture capital to underserved women.

Did you know that only 2% of venture capital goes to women and .02% goes to women of color?

Her best advice was to “be hungry, not thirsty” when pitching ideas to investors. Similarly, Kathryn Finney hammered home the thought that “closed mouths don’t get fed, so open your mouth.”

[Tweet “Only 2% of venture capital goes to women.”]

To this end, Takia Ross said that she creates an alter-ego when she enters a room for a pitch. It helps give her confidence so that she “isn’t going to ask you for the money, you’re going to give it to me” because she is a boss.

Women, in general, have a tendency to LET things happen rather than MAKING them happen.

What I Learned At Alice's Circular Summit

Entrepreneurship Is Messy, Don’t Go It Alone

Melissa Bradleyspoke passionately about knowing what is a pivot and what is a distraction. A pivot moves your purpose forward or helps you to find your passion while a distraction takes you away from it. And when you aren’t sure what is what, you need a sponsor to help you.

Laurie Fabiano, the president of the Tory Burch Foundation feels strongly that there is a difference between a sponsor and a mentor. A mentor is there to answer your questions; a sponsor helps you succeed.

“Entrepreneurship is messy,” said Jonathan Ortmans, “You shouldn’t have to go it alone.”

There are people and resources available to you no matter where you live. Don’t forget that Aliceis an AI platform that offers this service. Their job is to connect entrepreneurs to resources in an online setting.

Value Connection Over Transaction

Jen Gotch, the brains behind ban.do, wanted women to understand that you should “value connection over transaction.” And when focusing on your social media, you should do it organically; focus on people who agree with your product, don’t force connections.

That message was reiterated by Shay Johnsonby emphasizing the need for entrepreneurs to tell their creation story. It connects you to your audience and makes your customer care about you and your product.

Startup Therapy When You Are Ready To Grow Your Business

One of the most beneficial segments of this conference was the “startup therapy” sessions. This was a time to get one-on-one with a sponsor who could offer advice on your business and help you in any way they can. Bunker Labs, the non-profit organization that helps military spouses grow their businesses, were on-hand as well as a few military spouses who have already paved they way in their field. This opportunity is worth the cost of admission!

How is this summit different from other conferences, you ask? I’ve gotten great advice and I’ve seen networking elsewhere, so why Circular Summit? They have all the bells and whistles you expect for the price of admission.

What really sets them apart is the intimacy.

[Tweet “What sets Circular Summit apart from other conferences is the intimacy.”]

What I Learned At Alice's Circular Summit

One of the intimate practices is called the Giving Tree. You remember Shel Silverstein’s poem? This concept is based on that. You take a “leaf” and write what you would like. You add your business card to that leaf and wait. Then you look on the “tree” and find someone you can help; something you can GIVE.

But the most significant point is that the Circular Summit isn’t about passing around business cards and waiting to hear from people. As noted earlier, there are investors readily available to hear your elevator pitch. Plus you can participate in “therapy” sessions to receive advice. All of these points are key to success in business. It’s like a giant spouse’s group for work; you don’t just network, you build connections and friendships.

And for Alice, it’s all in a (two) day’s work.