Month: May 2019

I Am Good Enough

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Originally published by NextGenMilSpouse on March 28, 2017

Before Al Franken, was the Minnesota senator we know today, he was a comedy writer and performer on Saturday Night Live in the 1990s. He created a character named Stuart Smalleywho would look in the mirror during his self-help show and tell himself,

“I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me!”

On SNL, it was a joke but it seems to me that military spouses should adapt this mantra into their daily lives.

I Am Good Enough

Sometimes we get caught up in our role as a “military spouse.”It’s easy to forget that you are more than just a spouse. That kind of thinking is along the same vein as saying that you are “just a stay-at-home parent.”

We as spouses have to reinforce the belief that being a military spouse is only one facet of our lives.

It is your choice if you want to participate in any aspect of military life. Remember that you are a part of a bigger world out there too. Pick and choose what works for you.

Initially, as a stay-at-home mom, it was hard to take this saying to heart. I didn’t feel worthy of the title I felt I’d been given. My impression of military spouses was that they were go-getters who were very active at their installations.

I was a newlywed and a new mom all at once. My focus was on my child and not my husband’s career. With deployments and long hours, I wanted to spend my time with my husband when he was home. If I did go to an event, I felt like a fish out of water since I didn’t have a clue about what was happening nor did I know people there. Then I panicked because I thought I was hurting my husband’s career since I wasn’t an active member of the spouse’s group. I was giving myself ulcers because I believed that I was a detriment to him.

None of that was true.

Once I learned the real story, I still had to tell myself on a daily basis that I was good enough. I am good enough as a military spouse, mother and human being.

I Am Smart Enough

It’s common knowledge that we are thinking, sentient beings. With that knowledge comes the ability for us to make choices and attack problems.

It doesn’t matter what level of education you’ve reached or where you grew up.

It doesn’t matter if you use your head or your heart.

It doesn’t matter if you make lists or flip coins.

The important factor is that a choice is made and that it’s the best option for you.

There may be multiple times in your service member’s military career where you have to make a choice about living arrangements; an unaccompanied tour or deployment orders might be in your future.

You might initially feel incompetent but you are smart enough to know which answer works for you.

Once you’ve made that decision, don’t regret it. It was the best solution for you and/or your family.

I’ve met families who have chosen to stay behindat a location for the betterment of the children. Others have followed their military member to their new installation no matter where it was in the world. Or there are individuals who remain in one place for their job while the military spouse moved.

You know what works for you and you shouldn’t apologize for it. You can listen to advice but don’t let others tell you what is the correct outcome. You have researched your options and have chosen; you are smart enough.

And Doggone It, People Like Me

We all want to be accepted and to be liked. A first impression is important but there is also a second step that occurs – conversation.

A friend of mine married her service member when she was in her 30s. She was a successful businesswoman and yet the first time she met the commanding spouse of her husband’s squadron, she was tongue-tied and not sure how to act. Later, she said that she felt silly at being overwhelmed at the meeting. All she really wanted was to meet the other spouse and have a nice chat.

There is a validation that occurs when you talk to another person. What you need to remember is that the other person is just another human being like you. There is no visible barrier that needs to be broken.

The other side of this coin is that not everyone likes everyone else. And that’s OK.

You like pistachio ice cream and I like chocolate chip.

You love military functions and I just want to stay home and eat that chocolate chip ice cream.

Differences make the world go round and if you accept this premise, your life will change for the better. Overall, I think the general public prefers when individuals are themselves and not pretending to be someone they’re not.

Let that real self shine through; people will like you!

It seems to me that military spouses should adapt this mantra, "I'm good enough" into their daily lives. Here's why.

So if you need to look in that mirror and see the genuine you, do it! If you don’t need that physical reminder, you can just repeat the buzzwords over to yourself:

“I’m good enough. I’m smart and enough. And doggone it, people like me!”

That’s because it’s accurate and they are the perfect words to live by in this year of you.


Marrying Into The Military Is Like Joining a Gym

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Originally published on August 2, 2016 in NextGenMilSpouse

As a spouse who has been in the military for a while, outsiders often ask you about this secret world. Since I try to find the humor in life, the best way to describe parts of this lifestyle is by telling people,

Marrying into the military is like joining a gym.

Don’t believe me? Here are 9 comparisons between a gym membership and military life.

Marrying into the Military Is Like Joining a Gym

1. Our gym is selective; not everyone is invited to join.And while there is no initiation fee, there is a test. If you pass that test, you and your family are members. You are welcomed to a place where you can be a better you.

2. Some people are given incentives to join.This can be monetary or job driven. It is a personal decision that often starts with a sales pitch. This is usually done outside the confines of the gym building and can come from a current or former gym member or someone unaffiliated with said gym. You may also be given incentives to stay.

Decisions should be weighed carefully for the welfare of you and your family. Sometimes staying with the gym is not what is best.

3. Once you have passed the test, you sign on the dotted line and enter into a contract with the gym.You stay until your contract expires or you can opt to renew. This is an ongoing process. You can transfer gyms when you have to go to another location. You don’t want the gym to cancel your contract. More than likely, you won’t be allowed in any other gym in the U.S.

If you don’t renew your contract, you still may have access to the gym if you have achieved lifetime member status. In the military, this is called “retired.” This designator allows you to keep your membership indefinitely so you can use the facilities at the gym.

4. There is an orientation that you must go to when you arrive at your new gym.This is usually a painless process. It provides you with information on all the resources at your new gym. You should try to attend with your spouse.

If you can’t, make sure you receive the information provided. This can be accomplished through your spouse or you can give your email address to a “gym leader” (key spouse in the Air Force, ombudsman in the Navy, and in the Army, it’s the Family Readiness Group). This person will give you updates on classes and changes that occur at your gym.

Don’t be afraid of this form of communication. It is extremely useful.

5. Every time you come to the gym, you must show your ID.Please refer to the first point.

This step is also necessary because many outsiders wish to see how our gym conducts itself. Don’t be offended and don’t anger the people who scan your ID to verify that you are permitted on the gym grounds. They are keeping your gym and its members safe.

6. Some gyms have all the bells and whistles; they have new and shiny equipment. Some places only have the basicsor it’s old and rundown. Most people want to be at the new gym but there may not be one in your neighborhood.

Remember that you only need the essentials. Everything else is a bonus.

Besides, it’s the people who make a gym a home.

7. Our gym offers programs that help you grow as a person.At your new assignment, you can find classes at the gym, the hospital, the chapel and your family support center. These are broad-reaching and focus not only on your physical well-being, but also your mental and spiritual self. Take advantage of these free classes.

8. Music is a part of daily life at this gym.Most gyms have a wide variety of songs that are played depending on the teacher but here there are 3 songs consistently played along with the national anthem. Every once in a while, the gym’s “theme song” (service song) is heard but only on particular occasions. When the song is played, there is a raucous rendition sung by all who can hear it.

It’s better than any Zumba class song.

Trust me on this.

It is one way to get your heart pumping.

9. As with a gym membership, what you get out of the military depends on what you put into it.If you just pay your dues and never set foot inside the gym, that’s not frowned upon. You can go to every class offered and even volunteer. Maybe you just want to shop at the gym store and eat at the café. That’s great too. When you move to a new gym, you can decide how active you want to be.

So now, when people ask me if I go to the gym, I tell them that I live at the gym and I wouldn’t have it any other way.